This post is going to be a post that really gets deep into my soul, and into things that most of my readers, or even some of my friends and family do not know about me. I am going to be 100% vulnerable with all of you today, and really just lay it all down on the table for you all, as this post is going to dig a little bit into my past, and into things that are, well, slightly uncomfortable. But, it does have a happy ending, I promise. That ending is where I am today, writing this post for you, reflecting back onto everything.
After college, I had returned to my hometown, a place that I hadn’t consistently lived for over 4 years. For those 4 years I lived in a little town called Lewisburg in the middle of nowhere in Pennsylvania, as well as in Tours, France for a period of time. I graduated without having a job, came back to a town where I had lost touch with many of my former friends, and at that moment in time had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. To be 100% honest, I was a hot mess.
3 months after graduation, I received my first job offer to work at a law firm in their collections department, and as my first job, I was grateful for the opportunity presented, but at the same time miserable. I didn’t like many of my coworkers, they all operated with a fend for yourself attitude, and because of all this, plus memories from my past resurfacing, specifically of an abusive ex that I had, I was absolutely miserable, in a funk, and potentially suffering from mild depression. I kept looking at all of the situations that I was currently in, and previously in, and just kept thinking to myself, “why am I putting myself through this, when I deserve(d) so much better?” To be 100% honest, all of these negative emotions were being redirected at myself, and I was internally beating myself up.
About 10 months into working there, I had become an extremely negative person, who was just truly unhappy, as I spent much of my time in a place where I couldn’t be myself, and when I tried to be myself, I would consistently get reprimanded. It was so bad that from the time that I started working there to the end, I put on somewhere between 15-20 lbs. I was at my rock bottom.
Now, I am of the belief that the world has this way of having everything work out for you right when it is meant to, as in order to get anywhere, you have to struggle, so that when you look back, you truly appreciate how far you have come. By mid-July, I had hit that block. I was at the rock bottom, and all I wanted was to get out, and escape again, like I did for 4 years in college. I had pondered moving back to France to teach English, trying to find a job in another city, etc. Then, one day, I was angry again, at my crappy passive agressive boss (who I now feel sorry for), and go on Linked In, and see this opening, at a company for a French speaker. I thought to myself “This is perfect! A job where I can finally use what I went to college for!” and then I applied for the position, and was hired by the end of the week.
At almost the EXACT same time as this occurring, three other things happened in my life:
- I decided to by my first car. He is a Dodge Charger. His name is Philippe, the name of my French adviser from college. He is my baby
- I decided it was time to lose weight, and went on a diet. After about 6 months, I went from 170 pounds, down to 135 pounds. I feel a lot better and feel like a hot Mamacita 내가 아이야이야이야이야! (Yes, that was necessary)
- I heard the song Monster by EXO for the very first time. If you want to read more about that, you can here.
For the first time, I felt like I was on top of the world. I had begun to find my purpose, and begin that road to feeling like a bad ass lady boss. K-Pop and Korea were a huge part of that. They helped give me purpose, give me direction, help me , and continue to help me make goals and have goals in my every day life. It gave me a language to learn, a new cultural world to dive into, and just something to be passionate about when I was at a moment in my life with no passion. The Koreans, in general, are extremely inspiring, in many ways that I have never found the French and Americans to be. It was interesting to find a culture that had taken itself and put itself back on its feet economically, and politically, just like I was trying to do.
Thinking about it now, the story of the Korean people resonated with me on a deep, subconscious level. Back when my parents were young, Korea was a country that was a focal point of the Cold War, down trodden and barren, but in a short amount of time, they turned themselves into something beautiful. They quickly became a country that everyone was turning their head towards. That is what I wanted for myself. I wanted to get myself out of this state where no one took me seriously, and just saw me as an inexperienced millennial, and become that person that everyone is turning their head towards. They are a tiger country.
Now, I don’t feel like EVERYONE is turning their head towards me yet, but in a short amount of time, I feel like I have taken my life and flipped it back around from that point that I was at right after graduating college, and am now becoming that Tiger myself, just like Korea. I know that I am not genetically Korean, as I am so white that you could us me as a reflective strip in the middle of a road, but the Koreans have a lot of cultural characteristics that I appreciate and have held valuable in a way that I have not experienced as an American. They value friends and family above all else. They work extremely hard to help make their family proud, and they are always trying to become better versions of themselves than they are today. This is also how I like to think of myself.
I think those reasons are the main reasons that almost two years later, I still appreciate the culture, and continue to learn as much as I can about it. And everyone else tried to tell me this was a phase. Quite frankly, I’m in too deep to go back now, and whoever future Mr. K-Pop Hero is is going to have to deal with the massive album collection, the desire to eat Korean food all the time, and the replying to things in Korean instead of English. It has become a part of my eccentric character, and I don’t regret my time spent on it thus far for a second. It has brought perspective and new ideas into my life that I would have never considered before, and has changed me for the better.
What has changed in your life since you first started listening to K-Pop? Let me know in the comments down below!
사랑합니다!
–Rachel
